My Day(s)

Failed whistles,

Birmingham Sunday

And humidity breed

Disillusionment in the best of us.

Can you feel the crackling frustration emanating from my chest?

Can you feel the punch,

The swung fist,

Aimed at your head

In my head?

Do you feel how fake this all is?

Or is it

Just fake for me?

I hadn’t thought of that till now.

Maybe it’s just me.

Again.

But it was fun to sing today.

That was the highlight of the day –

Singing “Before He Cheats”

In my real voice –

It’s always good to speak

From my heart

And not from my heart>head>lips

That’s exactly why

It’s good to be high:

To get to talk

And not speak.

The soundtrack of 300,

Message for the Queen,

Fits my heart –

Strangled yodels

Why?

I know why.

Again.

Always again.

“Never again.”

Of course again.

And again.

And again.

What’s the point?

I know there is one. A good one.

I feel it in myself.

Life is preparation?

No.

It’s a depressing joke.

It’s a diorama

Where the grass tells the tree

I’m happy

And the tree blushes

With delight.

Darkness and solitude cloud my judgement;

Should I celebrate

Introversion to Extroversion

Or feel entirely keenly

The depression that depresses me?

Suddenly I hear

A happy word

Vocabulary reminiscent of childhood

And everything is

Uncontrollably,

Excitingly,

Filled-with-life-edly

Amazing

And exciting

And beautiful again.

Good.

I could live for that.

I could live for the breathtaking peaks.

And the love.

And the happiness.

I do live for it.

The Real Problem: Trust in Judgement

Daily Prompt: Keep Out

July 9, 2013

Who is the one person you hope isn’t reading your blog? Why?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us OUTSIDE.

Oh ho ho this is a good ‘un. Who do I hope isn’t reading my blog?

1. my parents

2.my siblings

3.friends who are on that fine border between friends and best friends

4. best friends

I’m guessing most people are uncomfortable with people close to them reading their blog, and that I’m not displaying alien tendencies by being so. So then I asked myself why I’m most uncomfortable showing my real thoughts and feelings to the people I’m closest to. The answer sounds like it belongs in a sale-bin-delegated self-help book. I think it’s because you care so much about the people closest to you and they mean so much to you that you’re afraid to let them down. You know them well enough to know what they approve of (or think you do) and are scared of driving them away or causing disapproval by exposing anything to the contrary. It’s also because: (a) they will judge you and (b) unlike strangers, you allow them to judge you and believe in their judgement. So basically, if they have a negative view of what you write (which, I’m assuming, comes from a place in you that people around you don’t usually see) then your self-opinion and estimation of self-worth dips. Tremendously.

So yes. I’m trying to work on gradually showing more and more people my blog. It serves the purpose of both increasing your self confidence and reducing your fear of what others think of you. It also kind of weakens that bond between your self-confidence and others’ opinions of you. Wow. Thank you Daily Post, you made me really think.