The Conversation We May Never Have

Trifecta’s challenge for the week:

MANIPULATE (transitive verb)

1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner
2a : to manage or utilize skillfully
b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage
3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose : to doctor
 
 

You lied when you signed it.

You had no intention of keeping your promises.

I went back, though.

Checked for a loophole.

There was none.

It wasn’t the words of the document you tried to manipulate –

It was the truth.

(And it worked.)

I loved you, you know. In my own way.

Sure you weren’t the wittiest kid on the block

And sure you weren’t the fullest of life.

But you were my friend.

Smiling,

Loyal,

Good.

Until you screwed everything up.

I lost more than what you took from me that day, you know.

I lost you too.

And you meant more to me than I will ever admit to myself.

Ever.

Because it’s easier to pretend that we never really hit it off

Than to admit that I liked having you around so much that it never seemed to matter.

But what’s done is done.

And all this…

Well, it’s my fault too

Because I have a hard time letting things go

And an ever harder time letting people go.

Sometimes when you smile at me in the street,

I am enraged by your audacity

But, more recently,

I just want to give in and hold you tight

And have you hold me tight.

But something tells me

(Or maybe someone did)

That that’s not healthy.

But I will say here,

In the privacy of a worldwide audience

Where you may never find me,

Where I don’t have to look into your eyes as I rage

And storm

And blame you

And then break down midsentence

Because of a rising sob threatening to choke me,

Here,

I will say this:

I loved you.

I would’ve protected you for the rest of my life

If you had only kept the one promise I needed from you,

The only promise you ever made me:

To keep us all together.

 

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18 comments on “The Conversation We May Never Have

  1. I was going to say that if this was fiction, then you were BRILLIANT, and if it was non-fiction, then you and I shed the same tears. Seeing in the comments section as it’s the latter over the former, please know that my heart goes out to you, and this week at least, we wrote on very much the same topic. Peace, dear.

    • My sympathies. I stopped by your blog just now, and certain bits really resonated. As inappropriate as it may be, it feels good to know that there are other people in the same boat. I hope things get better for you.

  2. What a sad world this is where the people we love and trust the most,hurt us-so deeply.I felt the deep sense of loss and betrayal on reading this and I can so relate to these lines,”But, more recently,

    I just want to give in and hold you tight

    And have you hold me tight.

    But something tells me

    (Or maybe someone did)

    That that’s not healthy.”

    So easy to fall back into that abyss-in the hope that every hurt will be erased,that love will win over and that all will be as before but sadly it won’t.Also so easy to tell someone to let go but terribly hard to let go-of people,of memories,of the hurt.-bee there,so.. .

    That this came from the depth of your soul is evident-thank you for sharing this with us.What more can I say WAL,except that my heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope that someday you will meet someone who will bring peace and happiness to you and love you for yourself.Take care,& God Bless xx

  3. Wow! This is so raw and frank. I felt a twinge of guilt reading it, as if I were peeking into someone’s heartbreak. This would be a fantastic piece of fiction (because it is so well written), but it’s even stronger as nonfiction. Writing with that much honesty is tough. Hugs and much respect to you!

    • Thank you, Ivy. It’s worked magic for me though: I’d been feeling betrayed for almost a year, and never found the words to vent. Something about the word ‘manipulate’ this time clicked, and I just wrote. I feel much lighter now, both because I vented and because it was probably the first time I was entirely honest with myself. Thanks for your kind words; I really appreciate it.

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